From: Zoe
Sent: Fri 12/19/08 2:37 AM
To: bunch of friends
Your fiancee insists you be nice to me.
> Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2008 10:50:57 -0800
> From: Natasha
> To: Zoe
> CC: bunch of friends
> Subject: Re: American Idol – Kenneth (Mikey) Briggs
>
> I want you all to know that Zoe is going to hell and I’ll get her back for this somehow if the opportunity ever arises. Any ideas you may have will be helpful.
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From: Zoe
To: bunch of friends
Subject: American Idol – Kenneth (Mikey) Briggs
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:16:42 +0000
I already know I’m going to hell. Anyone watch ‘American Idol’ last January? Nat and I did! There was a kid whose misguided zeal and marsupial looks were hard to ignore. But he held his own. When Simon gave him a hard time about his unique look, he told America that Simon could kiss his ass.
Last night Dub and I went to Macaroni Grill. The table beside us had teeny bopper girls, celebrating a birthday. An oddly familiar voice sings a dramatic, “Happy Birthday”…
Me: !! Do you watch ‘American Idol’ ?
Dub: hahaha…no!
Me: Dub! That dude! It was one of the funniest auditions. Simon compared him to African wildlife and he told Simon to piss off.
Dub: You know, I heard him talking to another table about American Idol. It’s him.
I wave and he’s not paying attention. Dub provokes me, so I approach…
Me: You were on American Idol!
Mikey: Yeah! You know, Simon almost lost his job for how crappy he treated me!
Me: What? I’ll bet not…that’s why people watch. That’s why I watch anyway.
Mikey: No, seriously! The producers made him come over and apologize! But it wasn’t sincere.
Me: Of course not! If they made him apologize. Hey, would you mind if I took a picture of you with my camera phone? My friend, Natasha, would appreciate it.
Mikey: Sure! You know…I thought ‘American Idol’ would get me a girlfriend, but I’ve been stood up by every girl I’ve asked out.
Me: Chin up, kid. It doesn’t seem to have bothered you too much.
Mikey: nahhh….I ask out some pretty top shelf girls too. I ask out the full range! One girl was supposed to meet me here at work and she just didn’t show up. Would you or your friend be interested?
Me: Oh! No, no, no. Come over and I’ll introduce you to Dub. And I’m not going to lie…my friend is mean. She certainly is top shelf, but uhh… Here. I’ll forward your picture and let’s see what she says.
I introduce him to Dub and he insists on going by ‘Mikey’. Mikey it is. He explains that if Nat does want to go out, she’ll have to pick him up because he doesn’t have a car right now. And that he moved back in with his parents because his rent doubled. The kid is nice. Plucky. To our surprise, he scribbles his cell phone number on our table (for the uninitiated, Macaroni Grill has crayons and paper on every table). I forward the pic and Mikey’s digits to top-shelf Natasha. Could it be love?
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American Idol 1/17/07 Seattle Auditions
Rainy Days and Idiots Always Get Me Down
by Frank Pittarese
Montage of people ragging on Simon. Then we meet Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne, who found friendship while waiting on line. I will say this much, both boys could very well be graduates from the Xavier Institute.
Kenneth, 23, is first. He’s an odd little fellow, who claims to be compared to Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass. I see a Gollum-like quality, myself. He boasts about how he can win the competition and make Simon’s jaw drop in shock. That last part is probably true. He (poorly) sings N Sync’s Tearin’ Up My Heart, but the beauty of it is that he (poorly) dances the exact choreography from the video, step for step and gesture for gesture, which…um…I must’ve seen it once at a friend’s house or something. Anyway, it was ridiculous enough when N Synch did it. Here, it’s too much, and the judges lose their shit.
Post-performance, Simon knocks Kenneth’s singing and dancing, but then goes after the kid’s looks. “You look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes. What are they called? Bush babies.” Ha!! So evil, but the funniest thing I’ve heard tonight. The kid’s eyes are a bit buggy. Anyway, Kenneth holds his ground and contains his obvious anger and hurt feelings, despite everyone laughing at him, and leaves to give Seacrest the recap.
Now it’s Jonathan’s turn. One look at Jonathan, 20, and you can tell he’s…can I say special? Challenged, maybe? He says he’s different. Fair enough. Then he says he has an amazing personality that we’ll see if he gets put through. Jonathan sings God Bless America as loyal Kenneth listens at the door, arms and fingers crossed. Randy and Simon contain themselves, and Paula is attentive and patient as she lets the kid do his thing. Say what you will about her, but in moments like this, she’s very kind and nurturing. Respect to Paula (and I’m talking to you, ladies of The View). “I appreciated your audition,” she says. Then Simon lets Jonathan down gently.
Outside, talking to Seacrest, Jonathan says that if he got on the show, people would vote for him. And that’s probably true, but for all the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, Kenneth interviews that, because Simon called him a monkey, Simon can kiss his ass. Rock on, Kenneth.
