(31 of 365) Telephone Interruption

“I overheard her telling him that you…”

“STOP!”

The end.

(30 of 365) Pay attention

Driving to a dinner party, she rounds the corner and sees a man walking a very large tortoise. Or perhaps a tortoise walking the man. Still can’t be right. She keeps driving for another minute then doubles back for another look. The man and the tortoise vanished. One moment they’re walking on a residential sidewalk and the next, they’re gone.

Once inside, the party is in full swing. The hostess runs over and gives her a hug. She asks the hostess if she is aware of any turtle walking in her neighborhood. The hostess playfully calls her silly and also playfully, stuffs eggplant bruschetta in her mouth.

~
It’s been the running theme for the week. Casually observing the absurd.

Yesterday she bent down to pick up a dirty penny. A strange looking dirty penny. That the internet identifies as a ‘Large Cents Flowing Hair, Chain Reverse’ coin worth 1k – 10k.

The van whizzing past on the interstate had what looked like corpse hands hanging limp atop the bumper. The man driving in front was having an animated discussion with the lady next to him. Even though the corpse hands looked only very slightly fake, the fact they were there was just…unusual.

There was another thing. What? Right. The hobo. She was walking to the ferry terminal. The sadly common sight of the city’s vast homeless population all to obvious. One sitting against the chain link fence, legs stretched out as passersby walk around and sometimes over his protruding limbs. With a sharp intake of breath, she will breeze right past him. All of a sudden he awakes with a start, locks eyes with her and starts hollering, “HEY! Does Charlie know you’re out? Hey! YOU!! Yeah, you!!!!” Her pace quickens. Then she sees him get up and breaks into a run. He’s following and screaming about Charlie, until further away he gets. Looking behind her, he is an angry exclamation point dotting the horizon.

She calls and orders another pair of the same contact lenses.

(29 of 365) Etiquette

Etiquette: those unspoken things that go without saying. In the same family as Chivalry, Manners and Politeness.

Chivalry makes some folks dissolve into puddles of mush by wielding his shiny sword and chainmail armor. He was more commonplace and accepted decades prior. Nowadays, he confounds other folks who just don’t know what to do in his presence. Chivalry makes appearances less and less in bigger cities. Wondering, but not too concerned with why he doesn’t fit in. These days he spends the majority of his time in tribal communities, villages, smaller towns and the wild.

Manners is Chivalry’s little sister. Her twin, Decency, died in December 2009. Around the same time ‘Jersey Shore’ debuted, which was not a coincidence. Homicide. Manners is prim and proper inside and out, very well read, and surprisingly good company to keep. She lights up a room and truly never goes wrong. She loves Norwegian Industrial Metal, though her favorite singer is India.Arie.

Politeness is the dashing older brother of Chivalry and Manners. There is no other like him. If he could communicate any direct message it would be, “Please don’t be fooled by imitations.” Though the same could be said by any of the 4, Politeness was the first of them all to coin this term behind unspoken lips. Politeness likes to make appearances everywhere, but especially enjoys showing up in unexpected circumstances. He is still screen savoring the double play made .00000000198 seconds ago when a prisoner was kindly asked by a fellow inmate if he wanted to eat the roll on his tray. The prisoner truly did not, so in another uncommon gesture considering the locale, he said, “Thanks for asking. Here you go, #19.”

Etiquette is the youngest sister in the family. She is still unsure of her way in this world. And is the most ambiguous of them all. She weaves her way through

bathrooms:

-Don’t use the stall next to an occupied stall if there is a whole row to choose from.
-Courtesy flush
-If you’re in a multiple floor office building, shit in any bathroom not on your floor.

group dining:

-Don’t take the last morsel, offer it up first.

She fought the other 3 for it & won–
-On a date, the man pays.

gyms,

gum/cigarettes:

-Don’t ask a reliable source more than once a week. Offer up alternating weeks.

And the like.

~

Etty likes living in the in between. She especially likes that she is not recognized, observed or even acknowledged by all. What she does is allow for two people that don’t speak the same language or come from the same background/ culture to have an instant commonality.

She is thinking of partnering with Cupid for an upcoming project.

Stay tuned.

(28 of 365) Tampons

The hunter’s trail is easily found. Fellow deer hunters can always find him and only him because he is the only man (woman!) enough to use them: tampons.

He soaks them in doe urine and ties the string onto tree branches. The bucks come running and before you know it – venison stew.

Tampons. For the deer hunter in your life.

(27 of 365) Lube

He picks up his little chihuahua as he crossed the street. A girl squeals and asks to pet it. S

She opens a pack of cigs. A fellow smoker asks to bum one. Before long the two are laughing about the weather girl’s wardrobe malfunction broadcasted last night. O

He walks into a bar and orders a pale ale on tap. Half an hour later, he’s arm wrestling a biker. C

She’s making figure 8s with her iphone, trying to get an app to function. A guy nearby just got a new one and offers help. I

The pals amble onward with recently purchased coffees in hand. Many passersby remark to the happy girls about the great caffeine intake idea and find themselves in line. A

The live music is so loud, but the band is so obscure that when new fans see one another – they find a way to communicate and even sing along to their favorite songs. L

Lubricants.

Social lubricants. So many distractions these days, yet we need these things to connect with one another.

(26 of 365) Jabberwocky

Poetry slams made her feel like Alice encountering the book: Jabberwocky, in her adventures in Wonderland. Pleasantly confused and wanting to know more, even if she wasn’t sure what of.

Most poems made her want to barf. But poetry slam folks want to share themselves with you! Even if it’s nonsense. Everything is open to interpretation. And chances are the artist/performer knows exactly what they’re trying to convey.

She hears a colorful verse about a man stuck in nursery rhyme hell: falling over Jack and Jill tumbling down the hill, wanting to eat Humpty Dumpty for breakfast, trying to chase the spider before it scares little Miss Muffett. Definitely an audience favorite. It doesn’t hurt that the writer is charismatic and comfortable on stage.

Her friend, who is in a local band, teases her and begs her to go on stage. She really would like to get over this phobia of speaking in front of people.

Band friend Billy writes something on a piece of paper. It’s brief. Why not – she’s never going to see most of these people again.

I am we todd did
I am sofa king
We tod did.

She says it once more. Everyone starts laughing.

Okay, that was awesome. Who can she pull this on?

(25 of 365) 2 Broke Girls

They finished their shift at the record store. They were giddy and unsure of what to do next. They did know that they 1) just got paid 2) really wanted to drink 3) needed to keep the momentum going or they’d default to their usual: oggle british boys at the ‘Mad Dog in the Fog’.

They’ve been dying to watch that movie with that one guy. There is a also a liquor store a few blocks from the theater. It’s flask time. Pretend it’s Vegas.

~

Inside the liquor store, Raine eyeballs cheap vodka. Julie contemplates bottom shelf rum. They’re discerning about nothing. Except maybe volume and price. An unassuming fella with glasses enters the store. He acknowledges the girls with a polite nod. Then he grabs some gin. Before paying, he looks back quickly at the girls, then laughs to himself.

Raine and Julie stand behind him in line with their 2 big bottles of cheap liquor. They are content. The fella turns around and asks the girls what exciting plans they have. They tell him: full flasks and the movie with whatshisname. He laughs and tells the cashier that he’s buying their liquor.

What? They’re stumped. Elated and stumped.

Raine asks if he wants to share a drink with them. He looks at them both and says, “No, no. I don’t want anything in return. I was you 10 years ago. Couldn’t afford much. Worked a crappy job. Tell you what – when you’re in the position to do so…maybe do the same thing for someone someday?” Raine and Julie thank him again. He smiles awkwardly and trips on the step out the door.

The two girls are impossibly more giddy. What a nice surprise. And to think…someday, yes. They will actually be able to return the favor.

~

They grab seats toward the back of the theater, make a discreet toast to the kind stranger and proceed to get tanked.

~

That was 10 years ago. Raine just got off the phone with Julie. They’re 3,000 miles apart yet maintain contact, as good friends do.

They’ve modified it over the years. And they find a way to do it in their own way. Raine was waiting for her friend, who was running a bit late, for dinner out one evening. She struck up a conversation with another dining patron and through the gist of it, felt it was something she wanted to do. Raine paid the other dining patron’s tab.

Julie was waiting for the ferry to come in and caught a group of teens counting coins, determining if they had enough to board. She gave them a prepaid ferry ticket booklet.

~

Raine & Julie are still clumsy and completely inelegant when they go about it but it is fun. That’s half the reason why they unexpectedly give to unassuming strangers. 1/2 fun. 1/2 completely, totally and awesomely fucking awkward.

(24 of 365) Video Games

He was severely bummed about a relationship gone sour.

He had been seeing a universally attractive woman for a few weeks now. Overnights were becoming more commonplace. One morning, he leaves early for work. Returning home later, a hefty sum of money he had stashed (in a very not obvious place) went missing. Instead there was a note with three letters in her handwriting: I O U.

He calls his best girl friend (friend who is a girl) and asks her to explain if this is an American thing or what.

She tells him it’s an entitled princess thing. More details are disclosed. When it comes to BFF, a lot can be overlooked if you are an attractive woman. She laughs at her BFF and tells him that he’ll keep putting up with the attractive woman’s irrational behavior until he’s finally had enough.

Fast forward another 2 weeks and he was finally over it.

~

They were at BFF’s favorite dive bar. He was there for her in a similar capacity only a month prior. It’s comforting to be called out on your bullshit by someone who loves you. Added feature: when you love someone enough to let them put you in check. When it was her turn, he told her she was an infernal optimist: giving things that were completely ambiguous every opportunity to work. And when it didn’t – she got hurt. Like, to the core. And he really disliked seeing her suffer.

Now it was his turn and she let him have it: he does one of two things 1) the forgive anything for a pretty face thing mentioned above (and 2 weeks ago). Then mourns what never was. 2) chase, chase, chase…then when he gets – doesn’t want it anymore. “I didn’t realize I was that shallow,” he laments. She assures him that he is. It is possible to have a delicious brain too and he definitely does. But they probably wouldn’t be as good of friends if he didn’t want her in some capacity. He laughs at his silly friend. With the bedroom eyes.

Another bar patron is busy using up all the coasters. Not for drinking, but for drawing out very intricate plans. The barkeep keeps handing him coaster after coaster – finally, a stack of 20. She asks what on earth he is drawing. The artist’s face alights and he says simply: “I’m designing a video game.”

Then he goes on to explain that the object is to get the girl’s attention. A girl enters a bar, for instance. Immediately, a flock of men rush to get her attention. The player (you) are to use 1) conversation, 2) flirting and 3) body language to get her attention.

BFF is now intrugued. The fellas combine forces on what variables would need to be in place. Other places for interactions to occur. How to detect the smell of vinegar and other ways to measure a guy’s douchiness. How to determine if the girl is interested vs. losing interest. How to keep the guys fighting for her attention. How the little guy can stand out from the crowd.

BFF looks at the fellas like they’re crazy and tells them…nothing. Absolutely nothing.

(23 of 365) Wine

They walk into an un assuming office complex. The only giveaway is the massive oak wine barrel out front.

He’s been to Napa, a few wineries in NY and a family run one in the south of France: Beaumes De Venise. He enjoys wine and sharing what he knows.

She has not yet met a glass of wine she didn’t like. Red, white, blush – no discrimination.

They’ve been out a few times with friends but this is their first one on one date.

~

The sommelier has plenty of overstock – wines bottled from prior classes. Students and the paying public bottled the wine then made their own labels. What they didn’t take home was left to the winery. The sommelier tells Napa and No Discrimination that they are welcome to try what they want. No Discrimination uncorks a green bottle. The label is a cartoon ninja throwing a ninja star with the words ICE BREAKER on it.

Napa tells No Discrimination to swirl the wine and let it breathe. Then sniff it like a puppy. She does as advised. Hmm. It smells like fermented grapes. Tastes like black licorice. She also has the unmistakeable urge to use her necklace as a ninja manriki, punching him in the face with the weights (locket and feather). Whoa. Where did that come from? Napa takes a sip and dismisses the wine as bland

Napa uncorks another bottle from overstock. The label is zebra striped and has the words ‘Panty Dropper’ written in pink lace. Napa does the swirly sniff, commenting on the legs of the wine. No Discrimination tastes dog food and remembers putting underwear on when she left the house. No Discrimination eyes the sommelier and Napa, suspiciously.

~

Napa and No Discrimination try a variety of different wines: Petit Verdot, Muscat, Syrah and Viognier are their collective favorites. No Discrimination offers to teach a class called Viognier Monologues. She asks Sommelier about the oddest food and wine pairing he can come up with. Riesling and plain yellow mustard on a hot dog. The sweet from the wine compliment that tartness of the mustard. “Just try it!” he pleads.

Napa thinks it’s time to go home.

Sommelier offers No Discrimination a part time job.

(22 of 365) Do we know eachother?

She is in the grocery store. Work was draining and all she wants to do is go home, but she knows what’s in the fridge: expired blueberry yogurt, wilted lettuce and half a flour tortilla. She is in the bread aisle, contemplating a wilted lettuce, expired blueberry yogurt, tortilla smoothie when she sees them.

Two perky, pretty girls in the same age range are whispering and pointing at her.

She looks at them, points at herself, then mouths the word, “Me?”

Gap girl smiles and nods her head yes. Abercrombie grins. The two walk over and ask where she went to school because she looks totally familiar.

They are full of crap. But why? They know damn well she didn’t go to school with them. However, they seem friendly even if it is fake-ity fake fake. They have perfect hair. Appear well put together. And they want her attention for some reason.

Gap asks her what she does around here for fun, saying that both her and Abercrombie are completely new to the area. She replies that she enjoys playing outside, the small groups of friends, the farmer’s market and the occult store downtown(this one perhaps thrown in for fun). Gap and Abercrombie absorb every word as their eyes get bigger and faces closer.

Now they’re commiserating with her, or trying to. It’s us against the world! There is nothing to do here. How great it is that we found eachother (again! Because we totally went to school together!). She resolves to take this wherever it goes because curiosity has gotten the better of her.

Gap and Abercrombie ask for her phone number and email address and offer theirs in return. Sure! Does she go dancing? Yes! We should go sometime. Okay!

She asks how often they pick up chicks in grocery stores. Gap and Abercrombie laugh.

~

A few days later, Gap or Abercrombie leave a message on her phone.

She calls back and leaves a message in return.

~

She’s having dinner at an Indian restaurant with her friend. She explains what happened at the grocery store.

Her friend looks at her and sighs. She hates to break it to her but they want her to sell Amway with them or some shit.

What?

This is the second time folks have tried getting her involved in multi-level marketing this month. The first time was an attractive fella who asked her out under the pretense of a date.